Keep Moving

Last month I mentioned my guest room and the piles of sorting that had remained on the floor for longer than I felt good about. The fact that they were not particularly in the way meant that there was no obvious urgency to act on my intention – the intention to sort into recycle and reuse piles. I noticed something interesting begin to happen every time I walked past the room and became aware again of the unfinished work. It wasn’t that nothing happened every time I walked past and nothing happened as I looked at the mess and did nothing. Something was happening. Each time I walked past the room I was not moving towards my goal of clearing the clutter. But I was not remaining neutral about the situation either despite nothing being actioned.

 The key is in how I felt about it. If I could really be unaffected by the unfinished task then there is no problem. But what began to stir in me was not a decisiveness to act but a lurking feeling of heaviness. People react differently to “mess.” It is not the fact that there are piles of unsorted paraphernalia on the floor, it is how I feel about it that matters. I remember a brilliant example of this years ago when I walked into my little boy’s room and said, “Look at this mess!” He innocently replied, “What mess?” The fact was there were toys all over the floor. I interpreted it as mess. He simply saw fun and easy access to all his toys.

What was beginning to eat away at me was that I had set an intention and I was alert to wanting to take action. Once that desire is conscious then the longer it is not acted upon the longer I need to deal with the discomfort. The discomfort stems from frustration more with ourselves than with the unfinished task. Repeated non-action when we want to see something change has the effect of not only creating frustration with the static situation but we turn the frustration in on ourselves. Instead of dealing with the problem ‘out there;’ with repeated procrastination and hesitation or excuses, the problem internalises and we can begin to think worse of ourselves. This then has the knock-on effect of demotivating us to achieve what we wanted in the first place. Making progress is less about reaching the goal, and more about feeling good about ourselves as we witness ourselves getting close to the desired benefit of the goal.

I decided to do something – however small or seemingly insignificant each time I walked past the room. I began chipping away at the wall. I took bite-sized chunks. Bit by bit. Just one item. Pick it up. Make a decision. Move on. It became a kind of game. It started to be fun. And once I had started doing a small amount I gained the energy to do more. But I gave myself permission to keep it small.

The steady drip-drip effect of taking little steps creates change and progress which eventually makes the difference. So the key point of this is that forward momentum however small is good for our mental well-being. Forward momentum raises our self-esteem because we are seeing progress. It is a vital human need to see evidence that what we choose to do makes a difference. My self-esteem rises when I keep commitments I have made. This is true when we keep commitments to others because we receive the feedback that we are reliable and trustworthy. And it is as true when we keep the commitments that we make to ourselves even if we haven’t shared our intentions with anyone.

What are the benefits of coaching connected to this?

A coach can help you see the wood from the trees – or actually in this case, the trees from the wood. Sometimes, the task looms large and we focus on the gap between where we are now and where we want to be. And the gap can seem impossible to close. A coach supports you breaking the task down into manageable steps and keeps you accountable so that you feel good about the progress you see.

When we want something, but do nothing about it, we start to question ourselves. So, what do I really want? What am I afraid of? What am I choosing?  Within a coaching context, we can take the time to reflect on our decisions and how we feel about them. Doing nothing is still a decision. I am learning that the energy required to do nothing is more draining than the energy required to take a small step. The energy generated from seeing progress then feeds into the next step and so on!

This year, if I see a task, I want to get better at choosing to consciously make a decision that leads me to action or understanding and I notice the well-being that follows. It may look something like this -

Transformational Questions:

·      What is my ultimate goal here?

·      What benefit do I want to enjoy?

·      What can I do now to move closer to the goal?

·      What small step can I take today to move closer to the goal?

·      Notice how I feel when I take a small step.

If you would like to explore this further in a coaching context please contact Anna at digdeepdreambig@gmail.com