Give. Receive. Repeat.

This month we complete our series of looking at our emotional needs. We have been considering certainty, variety, love, growth and significance as our emotional foundation over the past few months and the impact that nurturing our inner selves has on the quality of our journey. There is one more that ties them all together. This is our need to contribute. Our need to contribute is the hinge on which the door of our lives will open up to receive and experience the depth of the other needs. Let’s take a look.

Contribution is what we give to others, for the greater good in the wider community.  It is the sharing of our gifts, talents and skills to benefit the bigger picture. This begins with our family or inner circle where we learn that what we can offer makes a difference to others. Through our contribution we discover that we have something unique to give and that gives us a sense of significance. This contribution is many and varied and not only what we contribute to the economy. Our contribution will be based on what we value as well as what we are good at, and what we believe brings us fulfilment and what the world needs.

We contribute through giving our time, our expertise, our wisdom, our unique style, our thoughts, our skills, our research, our inspiration, our convictions, our strength, our example and our love. This happens within our paid roles, but far broader and deeper is our contribution to our families, communities and society in general.

We all have this need to bring our contribution and for it to be respected and recognised. We are social animals, wired for connection – and this connection is best seen when we are in the cycle of giving and receiving. We understand that we have needs to receive (for example, love, understanding, respect) but we also have a need to give. It hurts when our contribution is not recognised and when our gift is not wanted. Over time, if we are in a context where our voice is not heard or our contribution squashed, then we can either shrink inside ourselves or become angry and contribute through force. Think of the dejection and hopelessness of long-term unemployment where continual rejection is faced. Think of the violent reaction of oppressed people groups where their contribution to the human race is belittled. Think of the shame of not being picked for the school team because your skills aren’t up to the level. Our lives are much bigger than we are as individuals. And we need to contribute.

Growth is a need that is also connected to how much we contribute. So that we can live a life of significance and offer our unique contribution, growth is vital to what we are able to offer. The more skills and experience I have the more I have to give.

Our human needs are met by our contribution. If we are growing, in a variety of ways, loving and offering significance then we contribute. If we focus on contributing to others we have the certainty of being able to because there is always a way to contribute. We get variety from the diversity of others. We are significant in raising the significance of others. We create a bond when we contribute which deepens connection and we grow through the challenges.

When we recognise our physical needs as human beings, we understand that it is in our best interests to meet those needs. Thirst requires water. Hunger requires food. If the weather is harsh, we seek shelter. And if we can’t breathe, we fight with all our might for air. It is different with our emotional needs. It is a paradox of the human experience that when we go chasing some of our emotional needs then it can knock us off the path of true fulfilment. Happiness is elusive if all we are chasing is the desire to be happy. If we look at our lives only through the lens of having our needs met, then we will be disappointed. If we seek to contribute (which in itself is a need linked to love and significance) then we will find our fulfilment levels growing along with our contribution. When we put energy into meeting the needs of others then we find we have what we need in terms of love and connection.

Give. Receive. Repeat. This is the contribution and connection cycle that leads to love and significance in our lives. Thank you for reading and thank you your contribution!

Transformational Questions:

·        How am I contributing?

·        What helps me grow?

·        What do I value? Why is that important to me?

·        Who am I travelling with that gives me what I need?

·        What one step can I take to develop my contribution?

If you would like to explore this further in a coaching context please contact Anna at digdeepdreambig@gmail.com